I loved you the moment I knew you were coming. Even before the doctors confirmed your existence, I knew you were conceived. I was expectant of you, hopeful for the joy you would bring...
But I was also anxious. I was afraid to dream...to believe that my hope will become a reality. I knew of many who held such hopes, but their expectations were dashed! I also knew that your coming would change me in soooo many ways, more than I could have ever imagined. I wasn't sure that I was ready.
But most of all, I knew that life would never be the same with you in it. That I would want it more than I did before, simply because you exist. That my love for you may cause me to make some hard decisions...
Yet, I wanted you. I longed for you, though I dared not dream.
Then you were conceived, and my heart was filled to overflowing with joy! I was at peace and elated all at once. I thanked my God for counting me worthy. For giving me what I dared not ask.
But the expectation of your coming would be long. Some would deter my hope with facts; that many of those who conceive do not deliver. For nine months, I was at risk of losing what I hoped for, but didn't believe I deserved. I was afraid that you might not come afterall...
Then the Lord tested me. He made me choose you. He made me believe that you are my gift. A treasure from Him.
I had passed the dreaded 12 week milestone. My hope was becoming assured. Then I felt it. I was bleeding. Not the spotty type I read about, but the period kind. For a brief moment, I gave in to fear and doubt, and thought...God gives and takes away.
But then my faith arose. I said NO! THIS IS NOT THE WAY. THIS IS NOT MY PORTION. I remembered the times I prayed over you and committed you to God. I didn't believe that you would leave me now. I didn't realise how much I wanted you, until I thought I would lose you. I prayed to God that moment, and told him that I believe that you will be born.
The bleeding stopped. And it never returned again. You, Victor, you were born of my faith. When I think of that day, I know that God brought you into my life for a reason. I also believe He wanted me to choose faith. To believe that He is the God who gives without sorrow.
Your birth was a miracle. More than once, I thought I would lose you. You were born by emergency cesarean, with a cord around your neck - twice wrapped.
Victor, your life will be a miracle! You will defeat every statistic! You will be the exception. You, my son, are blessed of the Most High God. You knew Him before He sent you to me... You will know Him again! Until then, loving you and grooming you in righteousness shall be my mission.