Please note that this series contains some sexually explicit content, violence and offensive language. It is not appropriate for children nor an immature and sensitive audience.
BROKEN - PART TWO (A FIERY TRIAL)
Copyright © Ufuomaee
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).
Hi everyone. My name is Ope and I'm the husband of a sex addict.
I found out about these meetings from a friend of mine, who confirmed that spouses of sex addicts were allowed to attend. I've been attending for three months now, and this is my first time sharing. My wife, Promise, doesn't know that I come here. And I don't know if she knows that I know that she's cheating on me.
I have loved my wife from the very first moment I saw her. I was drawn to her in a way I have never been to another woman, and I took my feelings to God in prayer. I asked if she was the one, because I had never felt that way before, and I knew she was very promiscuous, and that was not something that I normally found attractive. And also being a Christian, and knowing that we are not supposed to be yoked with unbelievers, I didn't want to pursue a relationship.
I got an answer from God, through a dream, where He told me to care for her and to love her, and that He had a plan for us, to restore not only her, but His other broken children. But He would reveal the time that I would marry her, because she was not ready for the love that I wanted to give. I was actually so excited about this revelation, that I didn't want to believe it, in case I was deceiving myself, and the dream was my own imagination.
So, we stayed friends and grew closer. I watched her as she played with men, used them for money, joked about it, and put herself constantly in danger of getting STDs, pregnant and even heart broken. I feared that she would be lost to me forever, if she did meet someone else that she decided she would stay with and marry. I kept waiting for God to reveal His time, when I would let her know of my feelings for her.
It took my mom's death for us to realise how much we loved each other. The day I buried my mother, I kissed Promise. I don't even know what came over me. And I was so surprised when she kissed me back and told me she loved me too. It was like a million fireworks went off in my heart. But I knew we still had to wait on God to confirm our marriage.
When she said she would quit her old ways, and would be committed to us, and give me all her heart and body, I was sure that she was ready, and I couldn't wait to make her mine. It was about a month later that I got the other revelation from God, confirming that it was time for me to marry her. While I was praying, the Spirit urged me to open my Bible to the book of Hosea. I did, actually forgetting what the story was about. In the second verse of the first chapter, I read:
"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.”"
As you can imagine, I was afraid, because I didn't want to be tested like Hosea. But I was already in love with a promiscuous woman. And I did want to marry her with all my heart. And I hoped that God would have restored her, before He asked me to marry her. But I accepted His will, believing that His grace would be sufficient for me, and that His will for many to be saved through our union would come to pass.
But, I didn't bank on her promiscuous lifestyle continually being a thorn in our relationship. I have never been able to satisfy my wife in bed. Her appetite for sex is far greater than mine, and her experience is far greater than mine. I want to please her and satisfy her so badly, but I know I am lacking in more ways than one.
I became afraid that she would return to her old ways. That she would sleep around behind my back, and the thought was unbearable, because I knew that I would not be able to leave her. I know that God has called me to love her, despite who she is and what she does...just like He loved adulterous Israel and He loves the Church. But even more unthinkable is the possibility that she might leave me...that she will no longer want to be married to me.
I think it was about five months into our marriage that she had her first sexual rendezvous. I knew she had betrayed me, because her guilt was bare on her face. But I didn't confront her about it. I knew she would be tempted and it would be hard, because she is broken, and I am willing to love her in all her brokenness. But she hasn't stopped sleeping around on me. She does it everyday now, and I feel like I am dying from a broken heart, just as I feared I would.
I don't know why God thought I could handle this. I don't know why I imagined that I could live with her constant betrayal. She doesn't even try to love me anymore. She is cold to me, as if she is pushing me away. And I don't have anymore strength left in me.
My dad doesn't understand why I stay married to her, especially since we haven't had children. He denies the revelation, because Hosea was promised children and had three children with his wife. He keeps telling me that adultery is sufficient grounds for divorce, but I know that is not true...even if I didn't believe the revelation. I know that Jesus has called me to unconditional love...to forgive over and over, just like He forgives me over and over.
But even knowing this, I have run out of will in this matter, and I've been like...whatever God wills, let it be done. If she wants to leave me, then I won't chase after her, because I can't live with the pain anymore. I am not God. I am only human. And now, I feel like a broken man too.
Sometimes, I feel like ignoring godly wisdom and paying her back for her infidelity and having an affair, or even just sleeping with a prostitute. I want to hurt her like she has hurt me. But even the fact that I would want to do that breaks my heart. She's changing me, when I was trusting God to change her and to restore her.
I don't even trust myself anymore. My wife hasn't slept in my bed for four months now, and I have needs too! About a month ago, I went to a Brothel. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't change anything, and it wouldn't make me happy. I was also afraid that it might even harden her, and she might not even care, and take it as license to keep doing her dirt. I ended up just confiding in the prostitute, who listened to me.
Cindy told me that she could relate with my wife, because she too had been abused as a child. She told me her story, and that it's so hard to be whole when a piece of you has been stolen that you can never get back. It was so weird, because I was actually able to talk to her, in a way I couldn't talk to my wife, about Jesus. And she listened.
I told her that we are all broken people. We are broken in different ways, because we live in a broken world. And none of us can heal ourselves. None of us can unbreak what has been broken. And because we are broken, we go on to break others...and that's how the world gets more and more broken each day. If we are not restored to wholeness, and continue to act like broken people, we will only keep breaking others.
I told her that Jesus was the only one who could restore our brokenness, and He did that by His death on the Cross. When we believe in Him and what He did for us, we receive healing and are made whole again...so that we are no longer broken. She kept a Gideon's Bible in her drawer, so I showed her the Scripture, where it is written: "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
I couldn't believe it when she started to cry. But I was compelled to keep speaking. I told her that it is only by God's grace that I am able to love a broken woman like my wife. And Promise is still broken because she refuses to accept the truth that will set her free. The truth that God has paid the price for her redemption so that she doesn't have to keep paying it by continuing to do what broken people do and hurt others. But until she believes in God, He cannot come to her and make His home with her, the way He did with me. And until He does, she will still be acting in her own strength to resist her evil desires.
I told her, "Look, I came here today, fully intending to cheat on my wife with you. But look what God has done. He has taken over, and now I cannot do what I wanted to do... And now you're hearing the Gospel message, and I know it is because it is your time to believe and to be free! Will you be free?" I asked.
Cindy was crying hysterically now. She said she had been praying for God to help her, that she was tired of this life. She believed that God had sent me to her, to minister to her so that she would believe that He is in fact real, and that she can be whole again. She thanked me for coming to her, and prayed that God would soften my wife's heart so that she too would come to believe in Jesus.
Cindy encouraged me to keep obeying God and fighting for my marriage. That I should believe that He will do what He said concerning us, and restore many to Himself through our testimony. She attested that she was the first among many. She said "wait on the Lord, and He will renew your strength".
It was then I laughed and asked if she was a prophet, because she had just quoted Scripture. I showed her the Scripture: "Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary" (Isaiah 40:31). She smiled at me, and we hugged...and it wasn't dirty. God had renewed my strength in the most unlikely place that I thought I would find Him!
Cindy and I left that Brothel together. I paid off the remainder of her levy, knowing that it was God's will for her to leave that place and start her life anew. I helped Cindy to get a job as a Kitchen Assistant in a Bakery, because she told me that she loved to bake. She's been there for two weeks now, and they have already called to ask me where in the world I found her, that she is a Godsend!
So, I know what I must do now. I can't give up on my wife. It's not just about her or me. God knows the bigger picture, and He thought it was worth it to send His Son to die on the Cross for as many as would believe. So, I am going keep on with my Cross too. There's too much at stake for me to be selfish. And I really do love my wife. I can't wait for her restoration. I know it will happen, and we will both glory in God and in our marriage.
Thank you for listening. I would appreciate your prayers.
To be continued...
Photo credit: www.wak-art.com